It’s day 100 and already Donald Trump has achieved more in that time than any president before him in the history of the USA. That’s if you consider building the Great Wall of Mexico, consigning women to subservience, banning Moslem Americans and starting World War III as achievements. Hold tight as we hurtle into oblivion with dangerous Donald in the Oval Office.
Day 1: Reds on top of the bed
Not part of the election promise but Trump moves to arrest those dreaded Communists that include Bernie Saunders and er… Hilary Clinton, along with those rabid reds like Jed Bush and… well anyone who he doesn’t like such as much of the judiciary. Bernie Saunders is granted political asylum in the British Embassy after Jeremy Corbyn’s surprise autumn election victory in the UK.
Day 5: Racial segregation reintroduced
Mexicans and Hispanic Americans are not allowed to enter Trump Towers or stay in his hotel or shop in his stores for which they are extremely grateful considering the tasteless interior of the buildings. Riots break out in California as the the first Trump vans arrive to transport the now-illegal citizens (all of whom obviously wear ponchos and sombreros) south across the border. Those rioting are not the Mexicans but Trump supporting millionaires who no longer have drivers, bodyguards, cleaners, valets and most important of all bar tenders who know how to make a proper tequiler sunrise.
Day 10: The Great Wall of Mexico
Trump declares war on Mexico when they refuse to pay for the proposed wall but the Mexican army invades the United States and seizes New Mexico, Texas and California. Result: the wall doesn’t need to be built as almost Mexicans now live in Mexico.
Day 20: Let’s invade Syria, Iraq and… kick out the Moslems
Stung into action by the failure of the Mexican war Trump commands the USA to invade Syria and destroy ISIS. Except the so-called Islamic State has been defeated by the Kurdish Army, the Russians and John Simpson who walks into ISIS’s final redoubt to find the remnants of the army watching repeats of Friends on their laptops. Thwarted again Trump orders his troops home to arrest anyone wearing the hijab and put them on a plane bound for Saudia Arabia. However the headscarf is back in fashion and half the population of Long Island find themselves arriving in the Saudi capital.
Day 30: Cuba becomes 51s state
Trump had planned a new invasion of Cuba to kick out those commie reds – except of course Cuba is now happy to embrace the American dollar, so much so the nation applies to become the USA’s 51st state – but still embarrassingly remaining as a one party Communist State.
Day 75: Abortion legal only in Canada
It’s all going wrong at home as Trump attempts to ban abortions and put any woman who has ever undergone one in prison. Around 30 million Americans move to Canada and renounce their citizenship.
Day 80: To Russia with love
Donald Trump thought he would find a friend in Putin but the Russian plays hardball with him at their first meeting and wins Alaska off the new president in a game of poker. He also tricks Trump into allowing Russia to join NATO enabling the Red Army to place missiles in New York’s Central Park as part of a defense exercise.
Day 90: Those man made islands
Someone has to stop China laying claim to the South China Sea and half the Pacific by building man made islands on coral reefs. Donald Trump is the man to do it – by invading Australia because he thought it was near China. His next move is to start building coral reef islands thousands of miles long off Guam. We’ll call it work in progress.
Day 95: Damn global warming
Stepping up shail gas production and oil exploration is all about being self-sufficient and making America great again. Global warming is simply weather declares Trump on day 90 but New York is promptly evacuated after the sea level rises and the US Navy relocate to Ohio.
Day 100: World War III
He thought he could do business with Kim Yong in North Korea – you know – sell him a Macdonald’s franchise or two but no, the fat dictator insisted on firing one of his missiles three feet into the air triggering a nuclear alert in the WhiteHouse and Trump presses the nuclear button accidently when he confuses it with the oval office’s intercom to order fresh coffee. The bombs however don’t land in North Korea but in Russia and China both of who accuse each other of starting a war and within 29 seconds the entire planet enters world War III.
Day 101: Epilogue
With 100 million dead, and large parts of the planet a smoldering ruin caused by the two minute nuclear war America’s senate and congress agree to impeach Trump (who is hiding in the basement of Trump Towers) with immediate effect. Bernie Saunders finds himself thrust into the Oval Office and ordered to remove the tasteless decorations from the Whitehouse installed by Trump and then set to work to rebuild America – his first action is the abolition of nuclear weapons – although they’ve all been used up in the war and no longer exist.
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